Rough day

I decided to grab a quick lunch with Joey today just so I could get out of the apartment and away from all of my homework. We went to this little sandwich place not too far from our apt. and decided to eat outside. I sat down while Joey went inside to order for us. About 2 minutes later this lady and her mom sit about two tables away with a precious little baby boy in his carrier. I just stared at him as I sat there, he was so sweet and peaceful as he slept.

We got our food and sat talking while we were eating. About 15 min. later a man came and sat at the table next to us. Then a few minutes later his wife drove up in their suburban and he went over and took out their baby in her carrier while she went to park the car. Joey jokingly looked at me and said "Wow, give us a little break God!" I then said, "Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. Thanks for making my day God." If you know us, you know that we don't truly mean this from the bottom of our hearts, it's just hard when you have gone through infertility for as long as we have.

Anyway, a few min. later the lady at the other table and the man sitting next to us begin talking about their babies. He asked the lady how old her little boy was to which she said he was 6 months. She told him his name and about her other little boy. The man told her his little daughter was 4 weeks old, and that he had another little girl about to get out of the car with his wife. He then said, "Yep! Two little girls!" to which the lady replied, "Yeah, I tried but I got two boys so I said forget it." Umm, ok.

The lady left, and the man's wife and other little girl were walking over to the table. I felt the tears welling up and tried with everything in me to hold them back. I didn't want to cry in public, I didn't want anyone to see me. I couldn't stop them though, the tears began pouring from my eyes. Thankfully the family next to us decided to go inside so there wasn't anyone directly in front of me to see my tears.

I sat at the table unable to stop crying, covering my eyes with a napkin as the wind blew. Joey grabbed my hand and we sat in silence. A couple of minutes later Joey said "Don't believe the lies that are being told to you right now. It's just not our time." Through my tears I said, "It's never our time. I can't go anywhere without seeing happy families and their babies, I can't even check my e-mail without hearing about it." Joey tried to comfort me as I attempted to stop crying and dry my tears. I haven't cried about my infertility in quite awhile. I usually push it down as deep as I can because then I don't have to deal with it. I have to focus on school and other things right now so I try as hard as I can to not think about it so that I can go on with my day. I know it's always there though, it never leaves. Today was proof of that. I was due for a good cry.

Please know, even though it doesn't sound like it, that I am always thrilled when a friend gets pregnant. Especially my cysters and other friends who have had trouble conceiving for whatever reason. I don't want any of you to think you can not share your news with me for fear of hurting me. It's not like that. It actually hurts more when someone doesn't say anything and then you end up finding out through the grapevine. I love being included & I want to share in the joy and happiness!

Just know that this battle I am fighting has been going on for what feels like forever. And I have my days just like anyone else. Most days I am fine and am able to cope like nothing is wrong. But there are other days where I look around and feel the aching pain more than ever. People tell me all the time "But you're still so young. You have plenty of time." You know what, it really doesn't matter if I am young or not. It doesn't matter if I have plenty of time. What matters is that I want to be a mom now (and have wanted for the past 8 years) and that pain will never go away until I am. So, yes while I may still be young, the pain is very real and I honestly don't know how I will cope with it if I have to wait another ten years. Only God knows, and I can only pray that is not His plan for me.