Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
I'm not even sure where to start. I sit here looking at that picture of us on my 3rd birthday and am filled with so many emotions.
I wish I could sit here with you today, on Father's Day, laughing about silly things from the past.
I wish the memory of mom trying to brush my long curly hair and me screaming out for you, only to have you run and wrap me in your arms, didn't seem so far away.
I wish things had been different that day and that someone else would have told you to put your seatbelt on, just like mom did.
I wish you could have been there the day I had my two bottom front teeth pulled in 1st grade. I'm sure you would have taken me for ice cream afterwards, just like mom did.
I wish you were there when I had chicken pox during Spring Break in 2nd grade. I'm sure you would have put calamine lotion all over my itchy spots, just like mom did.
I wish you could have been there when my beloved dog Muffy died in 4th grade to hug me and tell me it was ok, just like mom did.
I wish you had been there when that stupid boy teased me and tormented me in 7th grade to tell me not to pay attention to him because I was absolutely beautiful and intellgent, just like mom did.
I wish you could have driven me to my first day of high school and told me everything would be ok even though I was SO nervous, just like mom did.
I wish you would have been there when I made drill team and I screamed out in excitement and took me to celebrate afterwards, just like mom did.
I wish you could have been there when I walked across that stage after making it over some major hurdles and cried with me, just like mom did.
I wish you had been there when I decided not to go to college after high school and told me that it was ok because I would succeed at whatever I decided, just like mom did.
I wish you would have been there when I went looking for love in all the wrong places to hold me and dry my tears, just like mom did.
I wish you had been there when Joey got on one knee and asked me to marry him and give your permission, just like mom did.
I wish you could have seen me on my wedding day, wearing the same veil mom wore at your wedding, and walked me down the aisle, just like mom did.
I wish you could have been there when Nikki had her baby girl, and talked her through it letting her know how much she was loved, just like mom did.
I wish you were here to hold me everytime a pregnancy test comes back negative and I break down in tears.
I wish you could see me walk across the stage in December, the first to graduate college in our family.
I wish I could spend just one day with you, as an adult, and hear you say you love me and are proud of me.
I wish you were here.
I love you daddy and I miss you more than words can say.
Friday, May 8, 2009
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.