Another Father's Day...

Come and gone.

I tried not to think about it too much, but that is way easier said than done. My dad is gone and has been for years. For those of you who don't know he passed away from severe injuries he sustained in a horrible car accident when I was four years old. I did not get enough time with him here on this earth and it hurts.

Then I think about Joey who is an incredible husband, uncle, son, leader, and man. In church yesterday they asked all of the fathers to stand up & be honored. I literally had to choke back tears and could not look at Joey who was still sitting in his seat next to me. He is so much stronger than I am. I can't even go to church on Mother's Day, but there he sat tall and handsome as can be with a smile on his face while the dads and grandads all stood up.

I selfishly did not ask him how he felt because I did not want to hear him vocalize his pain. He wants to be a dad SO bad. He talks all the time about the son he is certain we are going to have first and then the little girls to follow. It breaks my heart that I have not been able to give him the children he so badly desires.

But then I think back to the beginning of our relationship. We were just two young teenagers without a clue in the world. I remember so vividly the day he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. It felt as though we were caught in a dream and I wondered if this could really be happening.

Our wedding day was one of the most amazing and beautiful days of my life. He was waiting for me at the end of the aisle. My mom & I were behind the doors at the back of the chapel and I remember telling my mom "I just have to peek!" I squinted my eyes and peered through the tiny crack in the doors. At the altar stood the most amazing man I had ever known and I started crying. I could not believe he was mine.

We had no idea on that day the future that lay ahead of us. We couldn't even begin to imagine the pain we would experience together as we were told of our infertility. But the ultimate Father, God the Father, knew and He would use this to bring us even closer together.

Throughout it all, Joey has been my pillar. He has stood strong in the face of my doubt. When I have questioned God and screamed out in anger, he has always been there to remind me of God's love for us. He has wiped away my tears more times than I can count. Without him, I don't know where or who I would be.

I want so badly to give him children and I am so sorry it hasn't worked out as we planned. I can only pray that one day I will turn his father's heart into a reality.

Joey, I love you with all of my heart and soul.