First let me just start by saying that I truly wish all of the moms & soon-to-be mommies a very Happy Mother's Day! You most definitely should be honored for all that you do for your precious children.
This has been a very hard week for me. I have finals this week but I can't seem to make myself study. This is probably very pathetic and selfish, but all I can think about is how another Mother's Day has come around and left me out. We celebrated Mother's Day last weekend in my family because my mom left to go out of town for two weeks this past Monday. My niece & I gave my mom & my sister their gifts, and then my sister threw a curveball at me. I had made it through the gift-giving without any tears...until she handed me a card and a gift from my niece. She gave me a card made for an Aunt who is like a second mom for Mother's Day. I lost it. I started crying and my niece put her little arms around my neck. Instead of me holding her, she held me. I clung to her little precious body as she hugged me tight.
Every year this day gets harder for me to handle. I don't go to church on Mother's Day, it's just too painful. I can't sit there smiling while all of the moms are asked to stand up and be honored. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to honor all of the moms, but at the same time I feel so much pain inside. I am incredibly greatful for everything God has blessed me with in my life. However, at the same time I feel like an ungreatful child as I cry out for the children I want so badly.
I feel selfish and guilty as Mother's Day rolls around because I know that my own family knows how painful it is for me. I don't want to take anything away from my mom and my sister though. They are amazing moms and they deserve to be celebrated. And then there are all of the moms who have lost their precious babies. I can't even imagine how they feel. Should I be crying over not conceiving a child yet when they have lost the most precious treasure of all?
I am broken. My heart is broken. I try to push it all down further and further inside. I try to conceal my emotions around others because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me and I don't want to spoil anyone else's day. I try to convince myself that I should just "get over it" and stop whining, stop being so ungreatful. But then I ask myself "Why? Why must I feel this pain? Will it ever end?" I do not know the answers to these questions. All I know is that a piece of my heart is missing and God knows. He knows the true desires of my heart, He knows I am broken. He knows I am a mess. I can't fix myself, only He can make me whole. I have been reaching out to God for several years now and I wish I could say that I felt completely whole and peaceful, but I don't. The only thing I know how to do is to look to Him, pray to Him, ask of Him, trust in Him.
There is a song we sing at church and everytime I break down in tears. The lyrics bring me comfort:
You know my every worry
Calm my raging sea
walk with me through fire
Healer of my disease
I trust in you
Chorus:
I believe you are my healer
I believe you are all I need
I believe you are my portion
I believe you are more than enough for me
Jesus you are all I need
Oh my healer (You're my healer)
You know my every worry
Calm my raging sea
walk with me through fire
Healer of my disease
I trust in you
Chorus:
I believe you are my healer
I believe you are all I need
I believe you are my portion
I believe you are more than enough for me
Jesus you are all I need
Nothing is impossible for you
You hold my world in your hand
Nothing is impossible for you
You hold my world in your hand
Repeat Chorus
I believe you are my healer
I believe you are all I need
I believe you are my portion
I believe you are more than enough for me
Jesus you are all I need
Nothing is impossible for you
You hold my world in your hands.
Soloist: Reach out and sing I believe
I believe you are my healer
I believe you are all I need
I believe you are my portion
I believe you are more than enough for me
Jesus you are all I need
More than a enough for me
Jesus you are all I need
You are more than enough for me
Jesus you are all I need
You're more than enough for me.
Burden Bearer's
9 years ago
Posts
2 comments:
I stumbled across your blog and was drawn in as I read your words that could have been my own two years ago. I know what you are feeling. It's o.k. to be honest about how you feel and sometimes it is better to let others know. I tried to keep it all inside and I got so bitter. Hang in there. God's plans are best. You can rest in that. I can honestly say that for all the pain I felt for all those years, life is sweeter now than I believe it would have been otherwise. We wouldn't know true joy unless we experienced the pain. My heart aches for you. I've been where you are.
britt--
your post brought tears to my eyes. this mother's day was the hardest one for me yet! i tried so hard not to think about...but everywhere i looked there was something that reminded me that i'm not a mom yet! girl, this too shall pass and we will be better moms because of it!! just remember you aren't alone in this battle!
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