Is this a cruel joke?

If so, it's not funny. For some reason I actually allowed myself to think that I might actually be pregnant. I've had alot of symptoms over the past two weeks and in my mind I thought "just maybe!" That was my mistake right there...

However, allowing myself to even consider the possibility was a huge step for me. Over these past 7 years I usually just brush off any "symptoms" and attribute them to other things. What's really crappy about pregnancy symptoms is that they are the same things that can be caused just by your hormones going wacky like mine do at times.

I've really been having a hard time with my whole TTC experience lately. Especially this past week, I broke down several times in tears. I am so broken physically & emotionally. The enemy has really used this against me lately and played on my emotions. I have felt so forgotten about by God. I know it is selfish, but it's so hard...I want to be a mom more than anything else in this world. I hold my emotions in alot of the time because I don't want people to see how much pain I'm in. I put a smile on my face and think, if only they knew what was behind my smile.

Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful to God for everything I have in my life. I know it could be so so so much worse, but it still doesn't make my pain any less. I hear in church all the time about how much I am loved by God and how He wants to bless us, but it's so hard for me to understand why it seems like every single woman around me can get pregnant like it's nothing and I can't. Then again, it's not for me to understand.

Part of my soul is missing and the only one who can make it whole is God. I realize I am not the only one praying for a miracle so all I can do for now is continue to wait in line until my turn comes. It's like when you go to the grocery store on a horribly crowded day and you wait, wait, & wait some more in line and you know your turn is coming but you are so impatient because you want it to be your turn right NOW. Well, I know in my heart my turn will come so I just have to wait and pray that God will give me the patience & peace that I need while I wait on HIS perfect timing.

"I wait. Dear Lord, Thy ways are past finding out, Thy love too high. O hold me still beneath Thy shadows. It is enough that Thou lift up the light of Thy countenance. I wait – because I am commanded so to do. My mind is filled with wonderings. My soul asks “Why?” but then the quiet word, 'Wait thou only upon God.' And do, not even for the light to show a step ahead, but for Thee, dear Lord, I wait." (from the book Passion & Purity)